Every time I'm abroad or when I meet foreigners in Lithuania, I get asked the same questions about my country and every single time I try to put a finger on the things that distinguish us as a nation. And I'm really enjoying it when I recognize the things that represent other nationalities too. Recently I've laughed my ass off when I was reading both parts of How to be German in 20 easy steps. It's a brilliant piece of writing, my hat's off to the author! We remembered it last night with my new German acquaintances who are visiting Lithuania at the moment and they said that it had been useful to read one on Lithuanians before coming here. 'Maybe you should write it?' they said. Well, challenge accepted! I just want to say that I'm not trying to show disrespect to Lithuania and Lithuanians in any way, I love my home country dearly, however, it's healthy to laugh at yourself from time to time. Some things might be exaggerated or far fetched, but I'm open to your ideas and I'm looking forward to your comments and input. Let's make it legit together! So here is my first attempt to create a guide for being a Lithuanian:

#1 Always take your shoes off indoors. Here's a common situation: you get invited to a Lithuanian's house. You come over and you greet the host: first of all, under NO circumstances do that over the doorstep (see #10) and secondly, once you're inside, take your shoes off right away. Even if the host demands you not to do it, look at it as a test of your common sense and take those damn shoes off anyway. There isn't going to be big drama if you don't, however, your image in the host's eyes will be tainted forever. I assure you that something along the lines of 'Come in, you filthy pig, be sure to step on the freshly vacuumed rug while you're at it' is going to cross his/her mind when you burst into the room all relieved that you don't need to be worried about that nasty hole in your left sock.

#2 Be super hospitable to your guests. If you happen to be on the other side of the above mentioned situation, read carefully: treat your guests like kings. Go all out. Prepare a ton of appetizers and a 3 course meal. Get 4 different types of liquor. Ask whether they would like something else to eat/drink every 10 mins. Run to the kitchen and back with new culinary wonders and make your guests try everything out. Then modestly say that you didn't have time to prepare anything decent and that it's just something you've whipped up at the last second, cunningly fishing for compliments. Just make sure you apply pressure to your guests when it comes to eating and drinking - you're the host, you have this right. For example, ask your guests if they want another drink - it's a sneaky way to tell the guests that they HAVE to drink more. If they're polite enough, they will obey. In the end, only you know best what your guests want!

#3 Be a passionate basketball fan. Play basketball, watch basketball, talk about basketball. Love your team deeply when they win a game, hate them even deeper when they lose one (or at least find legitimate reasons to justify them if you're *that* kind of Lithuanian). Update your Facebook status 30 times during a game. Flood all the Facebook pages related to basketball with your comments after an important match. Know a million reasons why 'Žalgiris' is better than 'Lietuvos rytas' (two biggest Lithuanian basketball teams) and vice versa. When you get drunk, try to prove to a 'Lietuvos rytas' fan that 'Žalgiris' is better (or vice versa). Do that  even when you're completely sober. Make sure your friends like the same Lithuanian teams, cause otherwise your friendship is basically doomed. You might think it's not a big deal, but this day comes when 'Lietuvos rytas' kicks 'Žalgiris' ass and then your world is shattered and suddenly this hatred you never knew existed in you is taking over...

#4 Drown your pizza in sauce. If you're Italian, please, skip this one, cause I don't want to be accused of your heart attack later. Two types of sauces are served in mainstream Lithuanian pizzerias: ketchup and this white garlicky sauce, which is much preferred to ketchup by almost everyone I know. And if the waiter doesn't bring it, a wave of dissatisfaction ripples across the table. I don't know if it's the fact that Lithuanian pizzas are pretty disgusting on their own, or that they bring the sauces basically right away and you subconsciously get the idea that you MUST use it. On the other hand, what can you expect from a pizza that costs 3-4€. So don't hold back on that sauce, pour it generously over your Lithuanian pizza - gotta fool those taste buds somehow...

#5 Take Eurovision seriously. If basketball is the second religion in Lithuania, then Eurovision has to be the third. Has to be! Not a single Lithuanian is indifferent to this topic - doesn't matter if they love it or hate it, all of them passionately watch it. Everyone has an opinion about the Lithuanian candidate and everyone knows what would work best under the 'Eurovision format'. Eurovision to this small but very proud country (that the majority of the world doesn't even know exist) is like this promise of eternal glory and fame. It's like a chance to say 'F*ck you world, we're small, but we're awesome!'. Sadly, we're definitely not a nation of singers and entertainers. Let's just stick to what we do best...

#6 ...and that is Complain. Lithuanians LOVE to complain. It's their damn birthright! They complain about things they can change and about things they have no power over. They complain about the Government they have elected and the things that increase with every new Government: usually taxes and prices (although this year the minimum wage is rumoured to reach unimaginable heights as well, and there's a good reason to complain about that too, if you're smarter than a carrot). They complain that so many Lithuanians are emigrating, and then flee to work in a mushroom farm in the UK or a Norwegian fish factory. They complain that Lithuania is sooo corrupt, but when they get pulled over for speeding, or not wearing a seatbelt, the first thing they do is offer the policeman a bribe. They complain that Lithuania is a shithole but don't recognize the fact that there are things they can do about it INSTEAD of complaining. So embrace the Lithuanian that hides somewhere deep inside of you in the form of a grumpy cat and complain your heart out! And when you do...

#7 Swear in Russian. Cause Lithuanian swear words are boring. How can you fully express your anger or dissatisfaction with a 'toad', 'coarse flour' or '100 thunders'? It's much more effective, when you use Russian! For example 'Bl*t, they haven't brought the white pizza sauce AGAIN!!' Or 'Nu na**ui, 'Lietuvos Rytas' lost last night, dalbajøbai bl*t.' It's actually pretty ironic knowing Lithuania's history with Russia. We wanted to get rid of the Soviet regime so bad, and yet we don't seem to care about the nastiest Russian leftovers which come out of our mouths every day.

#8 Treat the graves of the ones who have passed away as an art project. It not only reflects your perception of taste and beauty, but usually your social status as well. This is also an area where you should go all out: pick the fanciest and biggest tombstone, plant lots of flowers, creatively decorate the remaining area by using colored gravel or stone. When the rest of the world celebrates Halloween, in Lithuania we have Vėlinės - a religious holiday to commemorate those who have passed away. Then those art projects, which were carefully maintained throughout the year, come to life, light up with the help of candles and burst out in all the forgotten colors of the world that come in the shape of plastic flowers. In fact, in Lithuania, the famous saying 'Love your neighbour as yourself' should be changed into 'Love your neighbour as your departed relative'. It would be more effective I think.

#9 Go to Turkey or Egypt for your holidays. It's the ultimate escape from the grumpy and rainy Lithuania. Book a trip for 250 € and enjoy your all inclusive 3* hotel and the awesome pool. Don't leave the hotel territory, cause all the additional tours cost extra. Lithuanians didn't come here to immerse themselves into the local culture - they came here cause it's warm. And affordable. It's a great place, cause the locals have probably learned the most important phrases in Lithuanian by now, so there's no need to worry about not speaking English. And if there's something more complicated you want to ask, you can always turn to Russian. Be sure to start looking for those extra cheap Egypt and Turkey deals, they probably have a Christmas promotion sale now!!

#10 Believe in superstitions. And I'm not talking about 'Knock on wood'. Oh nooo. Lithuanians take being superstitious to a whole new level. We have a superstition for everything, or rather everything MEANS something. For example: 

- Don't whistle indoors (yet another thing you shoudn't do indoors, such a prohibiting nation!), because you'll invite the devil to appear.

- If your ears are hot and red it means someone is talking about you behind your back.

- If swallows are flying low to the ground it will rain soon.

- If a knife falls on the floor, it means a male guest will visit; a fork - a female guest; a spoon - a transgender (lame joke. Toss those spoons around as much as you want, they won't mean anything).

- Don't sit at the corner of a table because you won't get married for seven years (hope it doesn't add up, cause I've kinda overdone on that one).

- Don't put your bag on the floor - you'll lose your money.

- If you're walking beside a friend and you split to bypass something (a street-sign, for example), you will soon get into a fight.
... I could go on for days. I believe that there exists a some sort of elaborate Lithuanian superstitions' classification, concerning animals, mirrors, household tools like needles and knives, etc. Better start studying, you have a lot of catching up to do!